Can I be free of my mind at my choosing - Can I be in the zone.....

Captiva Island and The Gulf of Mexico

Life is so good right now! I am on a lounge chair over looking the gulf of Mexico with a strawberry daiquiri to my left , kids in the pool behind me and Jack Johnson coming out of the rock speaker. This is what I see .... Our very good friends invited us to join them for part of their vacation and it is Heaven. Okay, I have not meditated since I have been here but I have been in the moment and the environment has me in a meditative state. I have to choose how relentless I am to be on my mission in these days of summer and kids, and friends.
Be in the middle in a state of no reference point can be hard for one who is unable to be on task all the time, as in our culture that is the resounding motive for living- 'be on task or you are a loser', yet what we all seem to strive for is to have the money to do nothing -'no tasks'.

"The body, like everything else in

life, is a mirror of our inner thoughts

and beliefs."
Louise Hay

 South Seas Plantation Captiva Island Florida

           It would be so easy to continue my pattern or conversation I have with myself of "you are not doing it right" . However here I have chosen to be in the moment with my friends and my family and participate without the judgement of self. Even my body acceptance benefits from this. How many times in my life have I not participated because of the way I look . Today I slide down the water slide and go shelling on the beach and play in the pool .
This is an undoing of a pattern. Rather than wait till everything is as my perfection,judgement oriented mind feels it should be (that is of how my body should look) I choose to be in the moment and live. The thoughts of judgement come and they go and each moment (not always) but mostly I choose to be present.

Here surrounded by beautiful skies and water and laughing children it is easy to live in joy and that is my lesson "Sometimes,it does not have to be hard,sometimes it is easy".


namaste,
Natalie

Bathe Your Body In Love....

Ooh boy, does that not sound good .. I just love saying it "Bathe Your Body In love" these are the words my yoga teacher used in class today. As Annie said the words and I brushed my fingers over my toes and up my thighs focusing on pouring love onto and into my body seeing blue light washing over and around me..."create a bubble of love" she said and for the first time this week I felt peace and love for myself.

I had been battling with my mind and my ego all week. I notice this often happens when I challenge myself or set up a task that I must follow though on . It is the very notion of "Do this or you are a Failure !!" The feeling of the parental finger point that comes from restriction, anger, superiority of self seems to direct my movement rather than seeing my challenge/intention as a gentle way to find love for myself.

Here it is in practical day to day terms-

My commitment was to meditate daily ... just 10 to 15 mins ..nothing crazy.

Here is my experience so far-

Day 1-

No meditation.

Family came in from England. I don't know... did not get to it.

Day 2-

Ten minutes cross legged on the floor beside my bed -I set the mood with some incense. Mind chatter galore but I managed to find moments of dropping in to peace with my breath.

Day 3-

I do not remember. Did I or didn't I ?

Day 4-

Walking Meditation. Bet you did not know there was such a thing well neither did I...

It is 4th of July. I took some time to myself to go for a walk/run and decided that this would also be my opportunity to meditate. So I did something I have not done before- I relaxed my body into a methodical walk- cast my eyes 2 feet ahead at the ground and focused on my breath. One foot in front of the other. I passed whirring air conditioner's,birds chirping. My hearing became completely clued in to everything around me. I felt as if in a trance. That worked, I was pleased. Back to the party -barbecue with family and fireworks with friends and family.

Day 5-

I hate to admit it, and it would be so easy to make something up as my image is being shattered, but, alas my life is as it is and not completely my own. Kids out of school,work negotiation going on ( trip to NY for a catalog shoot coming up ) and my stepdaughter is visiting from England. No meditation today. You think- 15 minutes just take it ! Why can I not make the time ?!! Frustration ensues, angry at myself and of course everyone around me who prevented me from doing this..... Is it not handy to create yet another thing I can beat myself up about... oh Ego go away !

Day 6-

Today I went for a run/walk over the Ringling Bridge and took advantage of time on my own.

I sat under a tree in front of a rustic beach below the bridge, waves lapping 5 feet away and crossed my legs, closed my eyes and breathe..... the shells began to bug me as they seem to cut through my bottom.  I made some adjustments and then I focused on my breath again. I could not stop my mind writing this very blog in my head. ( By the way ,it sounded allot better than this). I had a moment or two of what I call no mind,dropping in to peace. then I looked at my watch 15 mins went by. That felt good even satisfying.

I left my beautiful spot running home,stopping when I could not run anymore. Lunges, walk ,run, walk, feeling accomplished, thinking and planning from feelings that were positive. What would it feel like to not think about my weight? I even fantasize about what my body would feel like 20 lbs lighter.

I have made a decision to not judge my meditation- Oh but I am not there -no sirey- I judge- I judge everything--

Letting go of what this looks like is strange.

Day 7-

Today I feel restless in my skin ,it is hard to sit with these feelings and I am not sure if it is my dissatisfaction with myself . I am seeing allot of judgement of self and what I notice is that my judgement extends to everything around me, people, situations ,my life, everything ! No wonder I feel dissatisfied . If nothing is as I think it should be, no wonder I am looking for something to take these feelings away. I was feeling so purposeful and driven but the moment I do not get my list done which  these days includes - do not eat the wrong thing or miss meditation, all is not well in my world and unease ensues . Crazy how easily I allow my ego self to govern my day . 

Today I went to the gym and did a TRX class ( using your body with suspension straps) - well I barely made it through but at least I showed up  and I struggled through it.

My meditation was done on the BioMat- $15 for 30 mins. As I prepare for my photo shoot I up the anti in taking care of myself and in an effort to get rid of the deep circles under my eyes I take steps such as using the bio mat at the Gabriel Center.

Day 8- 

Yoga class-Simply Yoga- Sarasota Fl. and that is how I end this week feeding my soul. I meditated in class and truthfully the whole class is a meditation. More yoga would be good in my life but I am not putting anything else on my list right now.

My weigh in day is Wednesday and remember last week I lost 4 pounds out of the blue, as if by magic well on this Wednesday I put on one more. Still down from 188 as I am now 185, but 4th of July took it's toll.

I wish I could say this change did not send me in to a tail spin of dread and feelings of negativity, for is not my focus to be on a journey of spirit, but my ego took this wonderful opportunity to have a fiesta on said self. At least I am sitting with the feelings and when I went to Sweet Tomatoes for lunch I have 2 helpings of salad and not the pizza and pasta. It is tricky this dance of inner peace and living in the world... "Bathe Your Body In Love".

Wishing you Inner Peace.

Namaste,

Natalie 

I See The LIght ......

I am so excited ! I feel like I finally figured out how I am to do this, as always it's so very simple. All I need to do is what it says in my title "feed my soul" . By George I've got it!
I asked myself what am I resisting, what is it that I say I am doing but I do not do? What is it I am truly striving for ? The answer came as clear as day as I went to bed after watching a very silly documentary Super High Me about a comedian's spoof on the Super Size Me documentary where the comedian smokes pot for 30 days after being clean for 30 days . This is what I am going to do ( not smoke pot !) but meditate every day for 30 days.

Walking Forward......to Where....

What is The Path?

Forget focusing on the food, I am going to feed my soul. What better way to do it than by meditating . I cannot leave my kids and go to an Ashram in India ( I would like to do that; a la 'Eat Pray Love' - I adored that book ) but I am going to do it in my bedroom or wherever I find the time and place. Thirty days- here goes...... can I do it ?
Namaste,
Natalie

Accept, Accept,Accept,Allow....Release....

As of today I have lost 4 pounds.
Really? Is this really happening -it feels easy and hard at the same time . Here is what is happening......

It has been a very interesting couple of days as I sit here tapping away at the keys I am barely able to focus as I feel light headed for the last 3 days. I am asking all the time -what is this feeling and why can I not shake it . Is it the heat here in Florida, as I spend allot of time outside walking as my daughter rides her bike, sailing camp days for my son in the blazing sun? Or is it the change in my food intake that I have decided to implement (only two days). I said I would not diet on this journey as I truly believe that my body will regulate itself once I have become conscious. Yes, that may be true I tell myself but I must make some changes to the food I put in my body ( hmm is that my ego talking?) - the extra weight I carry will not miraculously come off. I am at battle with myself/ my ego says that unless I place some restrictions on the food I eat I will not be able to access the feelings that I am holding onto that manifest themselves in my extra weight. Deprivation never works, this I know for sure and yet the easiest way I think I can get on track with my food is to eat "nothing without a face" - pretty much a vegan diet and to also eliminate alcohol and caffeine and sugar for 10 days. I have done this before and it does create an awareness of the food I generally consume . There are so many questions you have to ask yourself as you go through your day (Is this from an animal or the ground) . I don't miss much and can satisfy myself but my goal was not to change my food but allow my daily choice to honor myself to translate into better food choices. It is sort of which came first the chicken or the egg?
I have allot of experience with diets and food programs just go to my story that was in Glamour Magazine but here is the short list - NutriSystems, Optifast, fad diets of all kinds , fasting for days on end ( my bout with anorexia mixed with Laxative abuse since age 13),Atkins, Macrobiotic. Now some of these were implemented as I was seeking health but the motivating factor behind them all was to lose weight. I had great successes with them all as I am a good girl /a good student. Weight Watchers I can highly recommend as it can fit in with your life and you eat real food.
My choice right now is to eat a whole food, organic diet with at lest 70% being food that comes out of the ground-fruits and vegetables are the main staples. Now I will get into this more -sources and even books and magazines I follow but before I make this blog as big as a book here is what I have found out.....
As much as I know about myself there is still so much hidden beneath the surface and this issue of FOOD and the EXTRA WEIGHT I carry, is my road to finding my enlightenment in this lifetime - my higher self - my god self -it is the way if I choose to use it- this is the journey I am choosing every day. Here is an example - I had a massage a day ago and as the the very talented therapist Ann Murphy ( if anyone is reading this in the Sarasota area give yourself a well deserved healing and go and see her) pressed into my muscles and I breathed through the pain it became very clear that once I accepted this pain fully and allowed it to be, it was released.
Now this is true for every single feeling I have ever had or that I still have or will have . Any feeling I hold onto creates pain and I have used substances/things/doing to suppress them in my life. If I refuse to accept/acknowledge and do not allow my feelings, the holding creates pressure/pain and holding onto feelings traps energy in your body, muscles. We have to shove it down with something!! Have you ever heard- Whatever you Resist Persists.
Where do I start but working to know where I am holding energy/feelings in my body and can I recognize when I cover up those feelings. Can I see myself from a distance and yet be connected to my shifting energy inside - Are you aware of sensations passing through your body and can you decipher the messages. Ohhh!! When I tell you the acceptance feels so good !!! It is beyond release!
Yes I said it release - I know what you are thinking---let it be said here first- energy flowing through your body feels good!! That is the recognition of full acceptance and love. The flow of energy and being able to be present with it without the fear that can come from the unknown- you know "feel the fear and do it anyway" .  I know it is not that simple but you can make it simple by just being in the moment and taking small steps. What I have noticed though is that the fear only comes when I hold on to the feeling. Accept, accept, allow, release.
Now it seems I am skipping around here but I just want to get back to the food thing for a moment - I have not stuck with any particular way of eating - I had wine with my husband on date night and had Chick Fil A chicken with my kids between the playground and a play date. I live my life as it comes and make decisions as I have to.
The difference today is that I am aware , I have a mission and I am motivated. I am developing some how to's for myself along the way - meditate any way you can - I am still not very good at this! I will not beat myself up and yes I am still holding in my body as I have terrible TMJ from clenching my jaw at night. The body does not lie and it all relates back to my spirit and how I love myself.
Namaste,
Natalie


P.S. So hard to get this out - wish I had hours of time to sit here........kids calling "Mommmy!"

Commitment,Intention,Meditation.......

I awoke this morning with unease in my heart, I cannot put my finger on the feeling yet . I am hoping the day will reveal a lift in my mood or some inspiration that will propel me out of funk into ecstasy (I will also take mild amusement).
This is what I do know now- I must take the next step in my commitment to myself...... I must set an intention that will inspire and guide me and then spend time meditating daily. Even if for 5 to 10 minutes. The TODAY prayer is my daily intention but I must now read it and absorb what that will mean for me today. Getting the kids off for the day launches me into a doing mode as I get out of bed and I am not a morning person!! I must find a way to say my prayer in quiet at some point - Ideally as I wake before I get out of bed and if not commit to this as a must, as if it is air to breathe. For that is my mission to completely commit to myself without fail daily - which means EVERY DAY!!
I learnt very early on while reading one of my self help books that if it is to be it is up to me and that I create my life. Every moment that has happened to me thus far is my responsibility.! Sometimes this is a hard pill to swallow - who wants to be entirely responsible for where you are in your life........
Well first it all starts with my thoughts - "WITH OUR THOUGHTS WE CREATE THE WORLD" I no longer remember who said this but I know it to be true. This is why I have to fully intend my day with thoughts in my head and be diligent in my awareness of any negativity that floats through my mind. This is what I mean by 'Moment by Moment Awareness'.
First comes the commitment - BE DO HAVE -COMMIT , COMMIT - CONSISTENCY IS KEY! I am not so good at consistency - how do I change this about myself . It is the impatience with which our lives are measured in the modern world - 'make a million dollars now , loose 10 lbs in 10 days' it is constantly around us . Things cannot happen fast enough and results must be instant. That must be what I am feeling I have not lost 20 lbs yet in less than a week and I am disappointed in myself - HA! That is it- BE DO HAVE! Be in the moment , can I do it. No instant gratification just plodding along . One of my spiritual teachers once told me that in NYC there are plenty of people trying to be extraordinary and what is truly extraordinary is being ordinary. Make sense ? Finding the courage to be yourself.... to be ordinary you.

My whole life I have compared myself to others and for today I will not do that and be ordinary ME!

Namaste,
Natalie

Acceptance and Reality of Life........

Well I awoke this morning to the reality of my day to day life and how it affects my ability to focus on my task. What task say you ? The one I  told the whole world that I am doing, losing 20 pounds connecting with my spirit by honoring myself. 

Well love, this is my own journey - here is how the day to day goes- It is summer and friends come over with their 2 kids to play in the pool with our 2, while Emily cooks veggie paella on the barbecue and brings all the 'fixins' and wine to go with.... Yummy , I had two helpings!! My dearest friend has her 40th birthday party Saturday at a restaurant /nightclub and then it is Father's Day barbecue at home. Food and libations galore and yes I did partake in both. There was a certain amount of awareness but after a magnum of champagne.... will I lose any weight at this rate? And, when have I focused /connected with my spirit ? There is a silver lining as the one promise I made to myself last week I did follow through on- Yoga on Friday . Ohh... so good and as I was in my downward dog I notice my arms; my bubbly arms and had to breathe and accept them again ( for the thousandth time). Acceptance  of my current body is so important -any evidence of self hatred must be loved away!! If I am in judgement of self I am not present and my ego mind will take me down a path that I like to call "a time waster/no mans land" It serves no purpose than to remind me to get present and breathe.

So here is how I accept my current body-
Naked in front of the mirror I look and check out every inch front to back . Notice the feelings of disgust and maybe some of appreciation . The appreciation is your acceptance . If I am really having trouble with accepting my body as I see it now I sit still close my eyes and in my mind I infuse every part, every inch , every molecule with white light and allow myself to feel gratitude for myself. Appreciation of self is so important and sometimes to get connected I light my favourite Nag Champa incense or a candle fragrance I love. I also have this patchouli spray from Lolablue that just brings be back to a centered place. This exercise for me serves two purposes- to become present with my feelings and to connect to my higher self, for the moment  I can feel gratitude I know I can engage the part of me that is real,alive and full of love. Obviously in Yoga class I do not do this entire exercise but I quickly acknowledge how I feel and just say yes this is me bubbly arms and and I am grateful for you bubbly arms! I even smile at them.
                             

The moment I accept

myself the way I am,

all burdens simply disappear. 

retouched model photo

early morning no makeup unretouched family photo

Now I have been doing this for a long time and I also have some external help as being a plus model there is an acknowledgement/reward that I recieve over the years through my job, but even getting paid as a full figured model I still worked to keep weight off.  My weight has followed me my whole life, since I was a baby!! The story is so old I am bored to even go into it, but alas one can change their story I have heard and I shall change mine.

Change your story to the one you want. Let me know your tricks! 
One of greatest lessons in my life is that we have to all find our own way whatever we do but sharing of self reminds me we are all the same.

Namaste.

Natalie 

A Year In The Making

Here we go ...again.
Over a year ago I made the decision to completely change my relationship with my body by actually losing weight that I had accepted as part of my being, my life, my very identity. Now this acceptance is a good thing - my acceptance of my body was a process that led me to love myself and my imperfect form and imperfect ways.  It led me closer to who I am and living my truth. Yet here I was ready to move on to a new phase of living in my life, that needed to fall in line with a rediscovered belief that being present in the now, practicing moment by moment awareness of the ego mind will lead me to peace and happiness and yes dare I say it lose weight!!!
This all started when a year ago a reality show- Celebrity Fit Club(Celebrity Fit Club on VH1) asked me if I would be interested in doing the show.  I had to ask myself some hard questions as I was not just a well known plus model (NatalieLaughlin.com) but someone who had recovered from an eating disorder and spoke around the country about finding happiness by accepting and loving yourself in your full figured body.
How could I now go on TV and try to lose weight , would that not betray the very message of self acceptance and love of self, as is, that I spouted. Here's the thing--my life had gone through a major upheaval in the last 8 years and I was no longer the "chubby pretty girl" or the "beautiful plus model with her own billboard in times square" . I am a mother of two children that I gave birth to in my 40's - a boy 7 and a girl 5 and I left my career and life of 20 years living in NYC, jet setting around the world to create a new one in Sarasota, Florida with my infant family. My husband also started a new business. I devoted all my energy to my new role as mother and wife and now seven years in I was ready to discover who I am again .
I decided to say yes to the show not really liking the whole reality based explosive, self indulgent, trashy side . I thought I could somehow elevate the content by focusing on the spiritual side of self and how that element ties into losing weight. I was ready to explore on camera how this would work , or can it work ?? The irony that doing this experiment on television where ones ego is completely in play did cross my mind but I was ready for the challenge. Well after days of physical and emotional testing I was flown to California and even taped part of the show. In my first segment they filmed me meditating, as this was kind of my message - lose weight by focusing inward - as I sat cross legged in  a producers house (pretending it was mine) the producer on set asked me to put on makeup in the middle of my meditation - now I laughed at him, knowing full well what he was getting at - model meditating - right -but what did I do ? Stick to my guns and say no......... I picked up the makeup brush and applied blush in the middle of meditation. So I had a lot to learn! Here I was thinking I was going to teach by example. I discovered I was not strong enough in myself and my need to please others over rode standing up for my deep beliefs. The realization that had I been meditating regularly I would have stood my ground and said no was so clear.
Lesson one /note to self- Be /Do/ Have .
That night before the boot camp was to begin I still had not been accepted on the show, my agent was convinced, but I knew that anything is possible and finally I got the call that VH1was making another decision. That's show business !
I can be completely honest with you that I truly felt it was meant to be. I accepted the news as I knew I was being taken care of on another level - The Universe had other plans for me. I was disappointed but was able to separate mentally and emotionally from my disappointment. The moment the negative thoughts came in to my head I looked at them in my mind and was aware, this stopped the crazy voice chatter and I felt calm, ready for what lay ahead. Thank you Eckhart Tolle ( I am a student -a freshman who wants to graduate). I also was not enthused about the prepackaged food diet. I had done that before and I am a fresh food, organic mostly eater.
Fake food only ever worked temporarily for me.
Back to Florida I went, full of enthusiasm that I was going to do this on my own and I did lose weight . I got into better shape and began exploring working as a model again. That adventure is a whole other story but the short of it is I began to work and it took my focus away from my mission . How could I be a plus model and continue to loose weight. My energy was directed from more of a whole perspective as I lost weight, not based on just food and restriction of self but on fulfillment of my spirit. I will explain more about this as I go through the process here in the days ahead, for those who are interested.
This is my experiment and although I know it works, keeping it going as I live my life has proved more challenging.

Now I am excited to share this journey . Today I am 188 pounds my intention is to lose 20 pounds and do it without deprivation or following a specific diet. I will lose this weight by living consciously, practicing moment by moment awareness. I will do this with love of self, seeing and feeling clearly the triumphant outcome and in the process deal with my life in an authentic way finding my authentic voice. Details to come......... Let's have some fun!!!

Namaste,
Natalie