As of today I have lost 4 pounds.
Really? Is this really happening -it feels easy and hard at the same time . Here is what is happening......
It has been a very interesting couple of days as I sit here tapping away at the keys I am barely able to focus as I feel light headed for the last 3 days. I am asking all the time -what is this feeling and why can I not shake it . Is it the heat here in Florida, as I spend allot of time outside walking as my daughter rides her bike, sailing camp days for my son in the blazing sun? Or is it the change in my food intake that I have decided to implement (only two days). I said I would not diet on this journey as I truly believe that my body will regulate itself once I have become conscious. Yes, that may be true I tell myself but I must make some changes to the food I put in my body ( hmm is that my ego talking?) - the extra weight I carry will not miraculously come off. I am at battle with myself/ my ego says that unless I place some restrictions on the food I eat I will not be able to access the feelings that I am holding onto that manifest themselves in my extra weight. Deprivation never works, this I know for sure and yet the easiest way I think I can get on track with my food is to eat "nothing without a face" - pretty much a vegan diet and to also eliminate alcohol and caffeine and sugar for 10 days. I have done this before and it does create an awareness of the food I generally consume . There are so many questions you have to ask yourself as you go through your day (Is this from an animal or the ground) . I don't miss much and can satisfy myself but my goal was not to change my food but allow my daily choice to honor myself to translate into better food choices. It is sort of which came first the chicken or the egg?
I have allot of experience with diets and food programs just go to my story that was in Glamour Magazine but here is the short list - NutriSystems, Optifast, fad diets of all kinds , fasting for days on end ( my bout with anorexia mixed with Laxative abuse since age 13),Atkins, Macrobiotic. Now some of these were implemented as I was seeking health but the motivating factor behind them all was to lose weight. I had great successes with them all as I am a good girl /a good student. Weight Watchers I can highly recommend as it can fit in with your life and you eat real food.
My choice right now is to eat a whole food, organic diet with at lest 70% being food that comes out of the ground-fruits and vegetables are the main staples. Now I will get into this more -sources and even books and magazines I follow but before I make this blog as big as a book here is what I have found out.....
As much as I know about myself there is still so much hidden beneath the surface and this issue of FOOD and the EXTRA WEIGHT I carry, is my road to finding my enlightenment in this lifetime - my higher self - my god self -it is the way if I choose to use it- this is the journey I am choosing every day. Here is an example - I had a massage a day ago and as the the very talented therapist Ann Murphy ( if anyone is reading this in the Sarasota area give yourself a well deserved healing and go and see her) pressed into my muscles and I breathed through the pain it became very clear that once I accepted this pain fully and allowed it to be, it was released.
Now this is true for every single feeling I have ever had or that I still have or will have . Any feeling I hold onto creates pain and I have used substances/things/doing to suppress them in my life. If I refuse to accept/acknowledge and do not allow my feelings, the holding creates pressure/pain and holding onto feelings traps energy in your body, muscles. We have to shove it down with something!! Have you ever heard- Whatever you Resist Persists.
Where do I start but working to know where I am holding energy/feelings in my body and can I recognize when I cover up those feelings. Can I see myself from a distance and yet be connected to my shifting energy inside - Are you aware of sensations passing through your body and can you decipher the messages. Ohhh!! When I tell you the acceptance feels so good !!! It is beyond release!
Yes I said it release - I know what you are thinking---let it be said here first- energy flowing through your body feels good!! That is the recognition of full acceptance and love. The flow of energy and being able to be present with it without the fear that can come from the unknown- you know "feel the fear and do it anyway" . I know it is not that simple but you can make it simple by just being in the moment and taking small steps. What I have noticed though is that the fear only comes when I hold on to the feeling. Accept, accept, allow, release.
Now it seems I am skipping around here but I just want to get back to the food thing for a moment - I have not stuck with any particular way of eating - I had wine with my husband on date night and had Chick Fil A chicken with my kids between the playground and a play date. I live my life as it comes and make decisions as I have to.
The difference today is that I am aware , I have a mission and I am motivated. I am developing some how to's for myself along the way - meditate any way you can - I am still not very good at this! I will not beat myself up and yes I am still holding in my body as I have terrible TMJ from clenching my jaw at night. The body does not lie and it all relates back to my spirit and how I love myself.
Namaste,
Natalie
P.S. So hard to get this out - wish I had hours of time to sit here........kids calling "Mommmy!"
