Is It Enough to Just Be Ourselves Without Apologies......

Natalie here
Day 68

With all the wanting and pushing in life, sometimes it is just enough to be who you are and accept where you are...
After a fabulous time  primitive camping on an island with my family over Thanksgiving I came home and was faced with having the flu and feeling rotten. The 'How will I get out of bed" rotten. As a mother you bite the bullet and carry on, with kids to feed and get to school, there is no time to rest. I did slow down a bit and I have to let go of some essentials one of which was this blog (sorry).

It seems there is always a reason/an apology to be made. I think about how I equate these feelings I have of not getting it right to how I feed my spirit and take care of myself.

There is a voice in my head that says - "you must do this or you will be seen as a failure!"

As a mother of young kids their needs come first and yet I am aware that in my living I am teaching them how to be in their lives and it suddenly occurred to me that the one thing I want them to know about themselves is that they are enough as they are. They are not here to prove anything to anyone but to full fill their own potential on their terms with joy and grace.

How do I show them that what others think of me is not the guide to my living and doing.
They may not hear my internal dialogue but you can bet they feel my angst. If they are to live in joy I must show them my joy and my joy comes when I feel satisfied within myself. Sometimes the satisfaction is based on acceptance that I am doing my best. I work to reteach myself that it is I who make the choices by my needs and not what I think others will think of me.

We tell our children "just be yourself" and yet, is it enough that we are ourselves.
Do we measure ourselves by our accomplishments or can we feel our greatness as we are at this moment - beautifully flawed and human.

Can I allow myself to be where I am today -not at the top of my game, but doing my best.

Let me know how you deal with this dilemma of  being yourself and what does that mean to you?
I am curious.

Namaste,

Sailing to Cayo Costa on our little boat.

camping buddies heading to the beach

self portrait on my shell hunt

playing with my son

Add caption

greeting the day with some fishing

drift wood - age and wear equals art.....

Natalie

Having an Inner Foundation

Day 49
Natalie Here

I spent the day yesterday shooting shape wear for a lingerie line ~ http://rhondashear.com. The focus was before and after foundation garments. Those must haves for women like me that need to smooth out underneath before I put clothes on top. It was very exciting to see the before and afters on camera. Humbling at times which gave me an opportunity to do some "mini acceptance work"  (see~STEP 2 ) but then the comfort and ease I felt in the shape wear was thrilling. Not to mention the results !!

It is the same for this process of Feeding our Spirit, that we are on ~ working on our inner foundation leads us to feeling confident and secure in ourselves ~ that is the greatest asset we have in looking good on the outside.

With Thanksgiving coming up I have been thinking allot about what I am grateful for in my life and planning a ceremony with my family where we light sage and incense and choose crystals as we go around a circle saying what we are thankful for and why.
We will be camping on an island in southwest Florida ~ Cayo Costa . It will be a big adventure for my family - a first, as we can only get there by boat - nothing on the island. I am giving myself permission to be present in the newness of each experience and find the joy in discomfort , should it occur. This is pretty much a guarantee when one camps.

Let me know how you spend your day of thanks.

Namaste,
Natalie

Create Ease In Your Life....

Day 47
Natalie Here

As I read Stephanie's post I was reminded again how this process is one of finding love of self.

The moment I remind myself to be gentle with my thoughts when the judgements come up through the day, it brings be back to the present. I simply say "you are doing your best", this in itself makes me conscious/aware.
When I water the plants in my garden my focus is one of nurturing. When I take care of the plants they respond by flourishing and in turn give be me back flowers, fruits and vegetables. The focus is on taking care of the needs of the plant. So often in my life I feel as if I am running, running without even realizing that I am on empty. My needs get pushed aside in the effort of doing.

It is the same for my spirit ~ feeding my mind loving thoughts allows me to feel connected and to flourish.


Being conscious/present gives me the environment to choose to be good enough; the choice is made over and over again. I say to myself "I love you, I love you " those simple words creates ease.

The focus for me today is to neither judge the negative thoughts but let them dissolve with "I love you" and nurture one need.

Namaste,
Natalie

Staying The Course and Making Peace with My Mind

Day 45
Natalie Here

Well here we are 45 days in and I have learnt some very important things about myself ~ I can continue to commit to me while being embroiled in the sometimes chaos of my life. This last month I planned, executed and cleaned up my husbands big 50 Th Birthday bash, after just finishing my daughters Birthday party with all her new kindergarten friends and creating a photo shoot for my new promotional work for my agencies, Eco gardens, ballet rehearsal for the Nutcracker ,soccer games.....you know being a MOM. Whew ! And unlike the Real Housewives I did the work myself with the help of friends and family. It was fun and at times anxiety ridden.


Lesson One ~
I can have a huge To do List and still do my workouts almost daily ~ I can fit my meditation in despite feeling scattered and anxious about the outcome of events in my life.

I can continue to practice mindful eating and when I have some yummy food that I especially enjoy not beat myself up as over indulging, but relish the moments as I am in my awareness.

As Stephanie says it is so easy to go to the self flagellation, but when I am aware I can see the separation it creates in me from myself and as I choose to practice loving kindness for myself I am brought back to the present.


Lesson Two ~
My ego/ mind can be a powerful motivational tool. I had two events where my outer appearance was important - One was my photo shoot and the other for me was my husbands party. In both instances I never sought perfection and truly tried to focus on nurturing my spirit. Since I have started this endeavor
I have lost about 11 pounds with my goal being 20. The miracle is that I have continued to keep my focus without being on any particular diet or deprivation scenario. I have enjoyed moving my body and the way it makes me feel. Meditation has at times brought me back to sanity even on the days I fight sitting still for 10 minutes and quarrel in my mind the whole time.

Now here is the joining of paths for me - I acknowledged my ego's need to focus on my physical self ( my outer appearance ) yet realized that the more fulfilling agenda was to feed my spirit by loving me in small ways, daily.
Listening to affirmation Cd's in the car - drinking water and snacking on fruits and veggies ( and when I had Cheetos, being present with myself as I ate each cheesy stick).

I am appreciative for the ego and it's excitement it creates as I step on the scale and then I am grateful for the grounding my meditation makes me feel. 


This is how I stay the course operating in both worlds and coming back to my commitment of self focus.

One thing to work on -posting more- I want to sit to write more, yet this is one area that I cannot seem to give to myself. This is my challenge and I hope as I continue that this effort will integrate into my life seamlessly.

As a mother, wife, self employed entrepreneur my greatest hope is that I can learn how to feel like I have a handle on it all. Then again I  might only feel that for brief moments and maybe having my spirit to connect with is enough ??
For today I will ask what task can I let go of ?

Let's come together ... we are all here for each other to move forward- I often post motivational little diddies on my professional Facebook page - like me to get more updates.

http://www.facebook.com/NatalieLaughlin

Unretouched photo from my last shoot -retouched coming soon-

Namaste,
Natalie

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Day 33
Stephanie Here

I have to admit this process is not easy. I've had to come face to face with the fact that I've not been treating my body with sufficient respect. That being said, however, by participating in Feed Your Spirit, I am observing my behavior more. That seems like an important first step to me. My schedule has been hectic.

On my mind is that I am showing up for myself more. Getting more rest. Cutting back on glases of wine in the evening. Drinking more water. Stretching a bit more. Asking myself the question "What do you need right now?" more.

I am persuaded that internal transformation leads to outer transformation. Bit by bit, therefore, showing up consistently is bound to change my outer experience.

So, thank you, Natalie, for providing this wonderful mirror for me to see myself.

Also thank you for your birthday wishes. I turned 49 last week--another opportunity for self-evaluation--and decided I'm a good person and deserve compassion and love. If you're at all like me, this is the kind of realization/decision that has to be made over and over, on an almost daily basis. Not sure why I forget...?

How hard we women can be on ourselves! Let's take it a little lighter!

Day 26
Natalie Here

This journey of being conscious in my body right now sometimes throws me for a loop and as I find myself sobbing....  My tears are big lumps of water as they drop to the floor like a heavy rain  and I feel relief as I can see there is no more covering up and then,... I survive my feelings.

 Today I had the privilige and pleasure  of planting an edible garden that I created with parents at my children's Elementary school. There was a little girl in one of the classes with a group of 6 year olds and I saw myself at that age. She was taller and larger than her peers and that was me - I never fit in with my friends - I was always physically bigger than they were. In this lovely girl I saw such beauty in her way of being ~ her quietness, and I thought to myself I pray that she knows her own magnificence! I hope that her family and those close to her tell her everyday how incredible she is !

 That is what we must do for ourselves;  find the magniifcence and beauty in who we are now.
There are daily reminders everywhere for me to see that love and compassion can satisfy all the injustice that one can feel.

Namaste,
Natalie

The Rhythm of a Woman.....

Day 24
Natalie Here ~

I had an idea about myself open up the other day and I want to share it with you as it refers to all women: to us.
My Uncle was visiting us from Trinidad this last week and as I greeted him for the first time he said to me in his lovely lilting Trinidad accent "But you looking LOVELY! ( It had been 10 years or more since I had seen him)" Then he elaborated later saying "I do not mean how you look physically exactly but your rhythm." He explained that every woman has a rhythm; their own way of moving through the world.
I just absolutely fell in love with this idea of my rhythm. I continue to look at other women in a completely different light. If our beauty can be defined by our own unique way of being ~ our rhythm, should not our focus be on finding that place of peace inside or on finding our own voices. We communicate with our energy from the inside out and how we feel inside reflects outward creating it's own energy flow ~ your rhythm.

grasses being moved by a current underwater

So what is your rhythm today ?
Is it like water or the wind or the earth, fast, smooth or bumpy? 

Namaste,
Natalie

STEP TWO - Acceptance....... Day 23

Natalie Here- 


On this journey of transformation and living in connection from within we must find a way to surrender to the NOW. To begin to step forward in our lives we have to start from where we are at this very moment in time.

I believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience and our body is the vehicle that we use to walk through our life. This is our first partnership.
Finding love and acceptance for our body is essential to creating a relationship with ourselves that is full of love and being in the present, away from negative self talk. 

There is a two fold element to accepting our bodies as they are right now - one of creating an energy flow through our bodies and of being present in ourselves.
When we feel grounded from where we are, we can easily move forward and make choices that come from our truth.
Being in the now moment is a positive place to start our journey of balance and wholeness which are natural states for our body.

I find this one of the single hardest tasks, as in my life right now there are many ways that my 'voice'; the me that is full of judgement and regret, constantly shows me over and over how different everything could be. "If only I made this choice, or we did this instead of this...... "On and on the torture of the chatter finds ways to seep all the joy out of my day. This is living in the past, the moment I can bring myself back to Zero/Now I am free and in the reality of this moment.
I have found that starting from the present; the now moment, frees the energy to clear away the blocks that keep us tied to our current weight.
How do you stop the chatter and breathe into this moment and feel satisfaction? 
-You work on it with love and compassion for yourself. 
-You trust that the universe is full of possibilities and you are being shown the way everyday if you stop long enough to listen to the you that is grounded in peace and certaintiy of all the good that is available to you.
This is the gift of our current quest ~ an opportunity to live from spirit. 

"My gratitude for all previous Moments
sets me free in this one"

Accepting and Loving Your Body Now~

Our bodies respond to our mind and if we are disconnected and fighting with our present body how do we access the body we are capable of having-
The body that reflects vibrancy and health is the body that is full of self love. 
 This is where accepting ourselves is so very important and there are ways to get us to that place of love -
Away from the disgust that we can feel as we see the dimples and flesh and lumps and bumps. (Providing we ever actually look at our bodies naked). This is you that you judge and with each sigh you feel the heaviness of all the despair. I have been intimate with body judgement for most of my life. First from the people around me, then young boys whose attention I craved at age 14, then the magazines that seem to parade the ideal of beauty all around me. I hear my friends with their constant self depricating conversations, punctuated with false laughter. 
Whether it is public or private we have all had our moments of despair at how our physical self is looked upon by others and by our own selves. Hating our bodies has become a way we connect to our friends, almost a source of comfort.

If you are ready to take a stand in your life and be true to your own being you must love every inch of you!!.

I make a conscious effort daily as I look in the mirror every morning to appreciate what I see.~
When we love ourselves we create lightness and openings and levity in our day. Feeling love for ourselves opens up the door for the universe to move forward through us ! 
Accept, Accept, Accept-

This is what you do - 

Get naked and stand infront of the mirror~
Take a nice long look at what you see from zero/no thought/blank mind -(do not let your mind take you off track of your task now!)
Look, take your hand and hold your tummy, run you hands over your body from your shoulders, over your breasts down to your thighs. Turn around look at every angle Feel the skin and form of your body around your back. The moment your hear your mind start up just simply say "thank you, but now I am practicing love of myself" and breathe in light to that part of you that is hard to look at or appreciate. You may even like what you see ~ remember you are unique, there is no one like you and this is a thought that can be celebrated!

I sometimes smile as I hold my flesh and feel a giggle come over me, as perhaps embarrassment of checking myself out in the mirror feels strange. I see the scars that tell the story of my life and the moles that tell the time I have had in my life so far. I take in my full shape and see the whole of me and then the parts- my hands ,my elbows, my knees. This is your own personal discovery of your body and your feelings about it. Feelings and emotions are key to releasing energy that you carry so allow the feelings to move through you then resume the task at hand. (More on this in step 3)


How does your partner here- your body, work for you - 
can you move easily in your life, does it feel appreciated and loved so that it can perform at it's best. 

What does your body say to you ~ listen.
Sit, close your eyes and hear what your body needs~ sometimes I hear -
I need you to drink more water, I need you to stretch more, I like when you touch me.
With your eyes closed breathe light into the areas that need love and acceptance. 
My cellulite always needs some extra loving.
Feel the connection to this partner we travel with everyday.

ASK your body for permission to lose the extra weight you carry so that you may live in health.
Ask it to help you in this endeavour.
Thank your body for all that it does without your thinking and for you living in it today.

Tell your body "I love You"

"A life of freedom begins when we realize deep within ourselves  that we are whole and complete just as we are."

Next we make a list-

List 10 things you love about your body.

The list can be parts you love, as well as ways your body does things for you that you love. 

 1. My hands

2. My legs that help me walk and run over my favourite bridge.....

You might find other ways to appreciate the physical part of your self.

Take this step as often as you can. sometimes it will be just a glimpse as you change in the mirror and you become aware of the dialogue in your head then you change the voice into one of appreciation and love.

Affirm everyday- 

I love myself as I am.

I no longer wait to be perfect in order to love myself.

Before sleep, a little meditation as you close your eyes~

See yourself vibrant and healthy at the weight you desire.

Have a clear picture of your self and feel what your body feels like at that ideal weight.

Give it a smell and pull the image, feeling and smell into your body with both your arms melding the two together.

Let me know how this works for you.

Namaste,

Natalie

 

Day 16: Testing a New 1% Feel-Better Strategy

Hi gang, this is Stephanie.

I really hit the wall over the weekend. I've been working so hard and my brain was so fatigued that I could barely think. Plus I was doing a lot of computer work and my shoulders ached. I caught myself eating unconsciously and feeling ravenous cravings for carbs. I was emotionally upset, very sad, feeling kind of hopeless.

On Saturday I woke up and there was a moment of clarity: "It's my brain chemistry!" I was tired and my brain was doing everything to help me "medicate" the problem.

No wonder I had been feeling so out of control.

I decided to take back control by becoming more aware of my physical needs and addressing them. I asked a few questions, like: What am I doing that's not actually working to improve the situation? (Answer: drinking cup after cup of coffee.)

And then I came up with the question that was more useful: How could I feel just 1% better right now? All day long I was coming up with responses that I had enough energy to implement: drink a glass of water, stretch on my blue exercise ball, eat some vegetables (I cooked some ratatouille), take a walk in the sunshine for ten minutes, do three deep full-lung capacity breaths, give myself a scalp run, and more. It helped to know I could respond and feel better.

Sunday, I never turned on the computer once. I also felt better from that. I got into bed and went to sleep early. So I woke up still tired, but sharper. Meaning, if I keep using the 1% rule strategy maybe tomorrow I'll feel better still than today.

If this is useful for anyone else, please take it. For myself, I'm still not all there mentally and physically, but it's better than the alternative. I'm switching out the caffeine for more water and walks in the sun. Thankfully, it's working.

As tired as I am I'm committed to loving myself better. I just have to learn how.

Coming Undone..... Day 10

Is it possible to completely feel as if you are coming undone and carry on with your day? 

Yes... is my  answer. Somedays the raw pain of my life situation completely takes over in moments of heaving sobs. As I leave the gym, sit in my car and cry under my shades, I drive to the dry cleaners. I wipe my face as the tears stream down and pick up my dry cleaning ( my husbands shirts ) and get back in the car and I remember to pick up my boots long since left at the cobler when I moved in May.  My beautiful treasured Italian boots, that make me feel totally put together when I wear them, have been donated. They are not responsible for items left over 30 days . I am in shock and all the sadness and confusion I felt earlier comes pounding down on me, leaving me breathless as I sob my way through town. I am an open wound of "why me!!!!" How is this all happening. My life is not supposed to go this way - who is in charge here!!!!

The whole world sometimes feels as it is falling apart and even as the sun shines outside and the breeze blows I am in a daze of... how did I get here from there?

I ask myself after I allow the emotion to be released all over me, I sit and say "now what?" I am not going to cover up or get rid of this feeling of raw despair, I am going to use it to connect, to pay attention, for I am reponsible for my life. If I am distracted and do not pick up my shoes I lose them. 

Somewhere in me I still trust that the Universe is a loving place and there is a God... A Life Force that I can surrender and turn over all the pain and regret to. Today, Now,.... I will not turn my pain on to myself by covering it up or pretending all is fine. I will not put something in my body that will temporarilly erase the feelings. I will cry some more while I sort the laundry, answer emails, call photographers and agents, wrap my daughter's birthday presents and pay some bills. Ever so slowly ever so gently I will love myself by being true to the moment. 

I sit and I gently love myself staying small and close to the me that is like a baby sweet and new. I make a cup of tea with honey and say my prayer.....

Today is the day that I begin!

I commit to Myself. I commit to living the highest ideal for the truth and honor in the search for the core of my being.
Today I begin with my commitment to be present-one moment at a time.
Today I am aware one moment at a time.
Today the ' I ' that is full of alive,positive energy takes the lead in my life and I let go of my thinking mind that is based in fear and paralyzes me in moving forward in my life.
Today I take this pledge and gently do my best.
Today I am full of love for myself- my body,my heart, my mind.
Today I am joyous.Today I Breakaway and begin anew. 

I hold on to - Today I gently do my best. 

I am reminded that difficulties are a stepping stone to a greater experience and if I am to create a new life story for myself I must be open and step out of my comfort zone. I feel like running but I will sit with my tea and smile at my heart and my child inside _ "I love you I say, I love you......"

Namaste,
Natalie

Opening Our Heart to Ourselves and the Voice......

I asked some amazing women to join this journey with me.
100 Days of Living From Spirit!
100 Days of Feeding your Soul and Losing the Weight! (click here) STEP ONE 
As with every new idea and every new adventure, we went through a process of saying yes to ourselves. Everyone had valid points- 

"YES I do want to do it.... :)))
immediate issues:  I need to find time to read all you have sent, I need to get into a place where I feel spiritual, I need to learn how to meditate!!!!"

" I don't want to weigh myself", "I am a flake and I have so much going on"," I don't understand ".

 I myself am riddled with fear that I will be unable to go to completion. 

This is the Voice of Resistance and our Ego Voices ( name it what you would like ) Chatter, Chatter I hear in my head, all the reasons why not to truly spend some time with myself and learn to love; accept who I am.

 Here is how I work with my Chatter - " well thank you very much for sharing" I say" but I am choosing to go this way... that feels good to me" " I am going to move out and away from my limitations and my old view of who I am ". "Thinking about the possibilities of commiting to me kind of excites me and I want to explore what that feels like". 

 Yes, I have a conversation. Luckily not out loud!

I always acknowledge but firmly decide to go towards the positive Voice that is dying to come out . Sometimes I look at the words in my head and if they come from a negative place (or have a negative feeling) I ver off on another path . The Voice and Chatter is a reminder that I am in fear at times and I am grateful for the awareness that I need to make another choice here.

Last night we had a raging storm, thundering and lighting outside and at 10pm I was not ready to sleep (my preferred bedtime). After my meditation I decide to watch some TV and as I reclined all cozy on the couch, thoughts came into my head - It would be nice to have a cookie now or hmm a spoon of peanut butter is healthy - what do I feel for .... on and on - I focused on the show and somewhere said to myself let's wait out this feeling for a snack - you are going to sleep in half an hour, does your body need food right now. I even asked myself "what feelings am I avoiding". "What is the need that I want to full fill ". I had a good dinner and I was not hungry. I just sat with it -the longing , the need for distraction. I sat with it .....and it went away or I forgot or I got caught up in what I was watching. MY motivation was "what will make you feel proud about you - will this honour me?". 

So that is the question - "Will This Honour Me?"

How Will You Honour Yourself Today ?

flying free

Namaste,

Natalie 

 Please view the comments on STEP ONE as they are inspiring
and connect us to each other.

  

 

STEP ONE

STEP 1

100 Days of Living From Spirit!

100 Days of Feeding your Soul and Losing the Weight!

Being in the Flow

Well, here we go ! Fall is just ahead of us and it is time to start the process of evolving beyond your limitations and be free from regret and negative self talk.
We are changing our focus to loving ourselves completely from the inside out revealing our own true magnificence.
Take a leap and join the journey - it is going to be a joyful and expansive Experience.

I hope you have spent some time, thinking about this journey if you have been following my blog, if you haven't no worries you can start now!- please see the First Step Below.

I am committing to this for 100 days. I would like us to all start together !
Monday The 26th of September We Begin for 100 Days

From one Seed

Now you know there is never a 'right ' time - I currently am recovering from a nasty cold and I have a stye in my eye, planning a 6 year old birthday party and my husbands 50 th Bash, Launching an Eco Garden for my children's Elementary school which is added to the motherly, wifely duties and an infomercial shoot next week - This is our crazed life !! I feel your angst as you go through yours . THAT IS WHY YOU HAVE TO COMMIT, AS I DO (THOSE WHO KNOW ME FOR A LONG TIME KNOW MY STRUGGLE WITH COMMITMENT) The difference is feeding your soul as you live your life -
LIVING FROM SPIRIT!
I want to hear the struggle - all the gory details!
Get another friend on board if it helps or find your way with us!!
 
Changing our thinking about how we lose weight starts with gentle exploration of our inner life as our bodies are a reflection of our own thoughts.
 " With our Thoughts we Create the World"


First off please only decide to participate if this really speaks to you from a gut place inside.

This will be your own personal journey. We will be sharing our experience together but ultimately it is your own unique process of discovery.
The focus for yourself is to honour your spirit and your body which will lead to you achieving the weight loss.

Here is the First Step-
Setting an Intention and Creating A Daily Prayer/Statement.

1. Decide what weight you want to be and how much you want to lose.
This process should be joyful and inspiring. You should become excited and committed to the possibilities with all your emotional and spiritual self.
 Weigh yourself. No Judgement. Give the number no power- move forward- Next.....
Get quiet,... in  a place in your home where and when you will not be disturbed - take the time and close your eyes envisioning the you that feels free ,unencumbered.
Choose a number.
Do not use this time to beat up on yourself and allow your ego to gain control or power over this process. This will waste your time and slow down your desires.
The love and excitement will come from your commitment to take care of yourself.
Create a ceremony (light a candle call on your guides) and write down your feelings about what it will mean to lose this weight in your life. How it will affect you .
I don't mean about fitting in to clothes , more about what the weight represents to you now - how it comforts you or makes you feel safe. How the weight creates a separation from others or prevents you from living the life you see for yourself.
How will losing this weight transform your sense of self. Maybe it really is not about your weight and you can be quite happy where you are in your body . (There will also be a step where you have to accept your body as it is right now , for that is how you can move forward)

Be very clear as you write about the transformation you are about to enter - see and feel the outcome clearly.

Write a prayer or statement that you will read to yourself everyday.
(Mine is the Today prayer on my home page of my web site and my first blog entry)
This is your centering/daily statement of purpose.

Life is not stagnant and we are beings full of ambiguity and complications- and greatness!
However, all this has to be about is taking a step forward away from the stagnant view you have had about who you are and how you love yourself.
 This is about celebrating the whole you in it's splendor and yes even as you are now.
 You are a gift to the world and you deserve to live your life with joy !

Read - A year in the Making- http://feedyoursoulloosetheweight.blogspot.com/2011/06/year-in-making.html

Post a comment or you can start your own blog and I will be a follower.

We will take it  a step at a time. I will post a step a week or more as needed- You will be my guide--
Commitment and Intention is first.
I have lost 6lbs and have been living a very non dietary life.
I do not feel deprived. 

Namaste,

Natalie

I'm Ready, Natalie!

Your invitation couldn't have come at a better time for me. My athletic, relaxed, beautiful, playful inner spirit wants to come out of me and be seen again. Thank you for including me on this 100-day adventure of self-discovery.

Meditaiton and Motivation.......

Two Saturday's ago I took a half day meditation course at our local Buddhist Centre here in Sarasota-Kadampa Meditation Center Florida http://www.meditationinsarasota.org/
The Art of Meditation was the title. I have always meditated over the years but as I looked back my meditation experiences have mostly been guided in a classroom setting or on yoga or self improvement retreats. I wanted to learn a methodology as I have committed to meditating on my own on this journey of feeding my soul.

This is what I see as I look ahead - giant gold Buddhas behind glass.

I walked into the centre alone and the peace and anticipation I felt left me drooling ! Three and a half hours to myself - Alleluiah!

I love having a 'How to Guide'. I wish I had one for my life and my greatest challenge has always been to rely on my own inner guidance. This is what I am hoping meditation will connect me to, that Natalie voice of higher consciousness that will create a certainty in my choices and directions as I move through my life. 

Woa... hold on there lassie , one step at a time.

As I learn there are preparations for meditation as I sit in my chair right upfront (eager student that I am ). Giant gold Buddha's behind glass infront of me and our very own Buddhist Female Monk to teach us.

She is gentle,soft spoken and loving in her approach and I listen, take notes and soak it all up (secret wishes of wanting to live here fill my smiling head) This is what makes me happy taking care of my spirit and learning how to...

The greatest lesson is that like a piece of art Meditation is a work in progress: a creation . There are no perfect conditions. We must be flexible about our space and our process 

Preparations for Meditation..

1. Cleaning Meditation Room/Creating an Altar 

Inspiration

Part of My Altar

Have a clean clear environment. Check - I have had an altar  and a special space on the side of my bed for a couple of years now. Due to inconsistent use however paperwork and books seem to pile up around it . Basically the energy needs to flow so we must create a clean ,clutter free environment/space. This I believe is true for the whole home, easier said than done. As a mother there are some days I never sit down -all I do is walk around the house putting things away!!

Back to Meditation- we clean our room to invite Holy Beings and then the mind becomes clear and negative thoughts are removed with the dust and clutter. 

Even this cleaning can be a purposeful meditation . Out with the bad energy in with the new. (Just like Meditative Breathing) We must clean with spiritual motivation. Clearing our mind as we sweep and vaccum the dust and cobwebs. Think of an obstacle and act out it's removal from your life by cleaning the space. Next time I scrape dishes off  before putting in the dishwasher I will choose an obstacle to work on.

3.
Meditation Posture-
Sit cross legged . this helps reduce feelings of detachment. Top of foot rest on each thigh.
Back straight -energy flows freely and helps create a clean mind.
Hands in 'Mudra'-right hand rests on our lap thumbs touching symbolizes union of compassion.
Mouth-tongue on the roof of mouth behind teeth which prevents excess salivation.
Head-tipped slightly forward
Eyes- half open or gently closed

Shoulders-level

Breathing in preparation to clear the mind.

So now I know what to strive for.

My greatest lesson however is that my Motivation and Reasons for Meditation should come from feelings of joy!

Always think of the benefits or the joy we will experience. I should feel inspired to meditate.

Yet this is not always how it goes for me- I must focus on the peace I will feel.

What has struck me during my class is this is the same feeling I need to have as I embark on my weight loss journey. As I exercise and eat, the feelings of joy need to be present . Now when I say the word need it feels forced - there is a pressure behind that idea of NEED. The difference with JOY is that there is lightness of being and it is effortless!
For me to feel JOY I have to focus on the outcome which is also feeling based -LIGHTNESS IN MY BODY, HEALTH, EASE OF MOVEMENT, AND DARE I SAY IT LOOKING MY BEST SELF (this is not a perfect self but the best of YOU). All of these ideas create a feeling of joy within me.

Back to the MEDITATION MOTIVATION - meditation is to be in the category of enjoyment, rejuvenation, relaxation, leaving me inspired.
Here is the outcome for my meditation-
Overcome inner problems/ allows me to use my mind rather than my mind using me/ creates intentions for virtuous action.
Now this is what I want to hear and connect with when I meditate- THE VOICE OF THE INFINITE- MY OWN INTUITION !!-now is that too much to ask ? If I familiarize my mind with a virtuous object that makes me happy and allows peaceful feelings to arise-
Meditation should give relief from inner pains.

I believe that our behavior is dictated by our mind-
A negative mind leads us and drags us down. 
With meditation positivity increases through our wisdom, which is our connection to our higher self .
Positive effects-
Feelings of peace and happiness-
Experiencing Inner Peace-
the still mind creates a well being to help us cope with the business of our daily lives.

So all in all it is a beneficial endeavour and I will choose each time to focus on the benefits and outcome and this is the same as I practice mindful eating and choose to move my body.

In the words of McFadden and Whitehead.-

 " Ain't No Stopping Us Now , Were On The Move !!!"

Gettting Excited!!
Namaste,


Natalie

Finding My Wisdom Mind........

"We want to be perfect, but we just keep seeing our imperfections,and there is no room to get away from that, no exit, nowhere to run. That is when this sword turns into a flower. We stick with what we see,we feel what we feel, and from that we begin to connect with our own wisdom mind."
by Pema Chodron in When Things Fall Apart


I read this and I am comforted yet frustrated that I cannot access my wisdom mind or my intuition. I know that my own inner guidance is there yet it seems so hard to access. 
On this journey of awareness - I keep track and I am on target with my food and my exercise. It is not perfect everyday and I allow myself the grievances with compassion for my imperfect self and my journey, yet how much feeling and sitting with feelings must I do as my days keep surprising me. 
For the one constant of my life is always the surprising upsets of my daily balance in the peace of my heart. I am shaken by my life -my children get sick, I don't get the job I want or I lose something or someone precious to me. I crumble and allow the feelings without having them take over and be full of drama. Yet the quiet does not illuminate my inner knowingness . That is what I am promised .... Where are you Wisdom Mind.... I am waiting and listening.....  


183 lbs down from 188 - slow and steady.


I see where I am going but am afraid what will it mean and who will I be if not a plus size model and woman...... I am ready for a new experience.. :)

Namaste,
 Natalie

Choices.....

The one clear thing right now that I have noticed in this process is that I can make a choice as my awareness becomes more clear.
Yesterday I had a fight with my brother. Well there was an exchange and I felt angry after he left and I found myself opening the fridge door and looking inside. It was very clear to me that in that moment I wanted to escape the feelings I was having . In my meditation study this is called the middle way - no reference point , not making things good or bad. Can I just allow myself to have the feelings without judgement?
Now I know all this stuff and I am still astonished at how easy it is for me to fall into the old patterns . How often do I do this when I am not paying attention? I go and meditate immediately. Luckily I was home, aware and had the time to spend on myself. This time I made a choice that honors my being and invites me into the direction of spirit.

Just to keep me smiling and to remind me of the wonder of the Universe- thank you Dolfin!

Today my choice was conscious but defiant and escapist.
I had my face lasered with Elos Laser/Syneron today in preparation for a photo shoot coming up. In the summer my malasma ( dark band of spots above my jaw line always darken in the Florida sun , no matter how much sunscreen I put on) . This is all so boring as I wish I did not have to bother with such things but alas the life of a model. So off I go to be lasered and the process is painful . My face feels as if it is being stung/ cynged bit by bit and with each zap I wince in pain . Leaving the office I high tail it to the pharmacy for some heavy duty sunscreen and I am in pain. It is a very uncomfortable feeling to have a burnt face, for that is what it feels like .
Back to my choice , I see a jalapeno bag of cheetos at the check out, pick it up look at the calories and decide to buy it . I actually  think about it and weigh up the negatives of eating such a food on my current quest - Losing weight . I buy them, and scoff them down in the car ( now this is my favourite and pretty much only junk food I eat).
Was it so hard for me to stay with the pain, albeit physical? I used the cheetos to redirect my attention.

The saving grace is that I was aware at the time and I know as I go through my day I can make better food choices to counteract the effects of the bad calories .

Each moment is new and I may make another choice for my future that will inline with my goals.  The question is can I focus more on what I want and deal with being uncomfortable ????

Namaste,
Natalie

Can I be free of my mind at my choosing - Can I be in the zone.....

Captiva Island and The Gulf of Mexico

Life is so good right now! I am on a lounge chair over looking the gulf of Mexico with a strawberry daiquiri to my left , kids in the pool behind me and Jack Johnson coming out of the rock speaker. This is what I see .... Our very good friends invited us to join them for part of their vacation and it is Heaven. Okay, I have not meditated since I have been here but I have been in the moment and the environment has me in a meditative state. I have to choose how relentless I am to be on my mission in these days of summer and kids, and friends.
Be in the middle in a state of no reference point can be hard for one who is unable to be on task all the time, as in our culture that is the resounding motive for living- 'be on task or you are a loser', yet what we all seem to strive for is to have the money to do nothing -'no tasks'.

"The body, like everything else in

life, is a mirror of our inner thoughts

and beliefs."
Louise Hay

 South Seas Plantation Captiva Island Florida

           It would be so easy to continue my pattern or conversation I have with myself of "you are not doing it right" . However here I have chosen to be in the moment with my friends and my family and participate without the judgement of self. Even my body acceptance benefits from this. How many times in my life have I not participated because of the way I look . Today I slide down the water slide and go shelling on the beach and play in the pool .
This is an undoing of a pattern. Rather than wait till everything is as my perfection,judgement oriented mind feels it should be (that is of how my body should look) I choose to be in the moment and live. The thoughts of judgement come and they go and each moment (not always) but mostly I choose to be present.

Here surrounded by beautiful skies and water and laughing children it is easy to live in joy and that is my lesson "Sometimes,it does not have to be hard,sometimes it is easy".


namaste,
Natalie

Bathe Your Body In Love....

Ooh boy, does that not sound good .. I just love saying it "Bathe Your Body In love" these are the words my yoga teacher used in class today. As Annie said the words and I brushed my fingers over my toes and up my thighs focusing on pouring love onto and into my body seeing blue light washing over and around me..."create a bubble of love" she said and for the first time this week I felt peace and love for myself.

I had been battling with my mind and my ego all week. I notice this often happens when I challenge myself or set up a task that I must follow though on . It is the very notion of "Do this or you are a Failure !!" The feeling of the parental finger point that comes from restriction, anger, superiority of self seems to direct my movement rather than seeing my challenge/intention as a gentle way to find love for myself.

Here it is in practical day to day terms-

My commitment was to meditate daily ... just 10 to 15 mins ..nothing crazy.

Here is my experience so far-

Day 1-

No meditation.

Family came in from England. I don't know... did not get to it.

Day 2-

Ten minutes cross legged on the floor beside my bed -I set the mood with some incense. Mind chatter galore but I managed to find moments of dropping in to peace with my breath.

Day 3-

I do not remember. Did I or didn't I ?

Day 4-

Walking Meditation. Bet you did not know there was such a thing well neither did I...

It is 4th of July. I took some time to myself to go for a walk/run and decided that this would also be my opportunity to meditate. So I did something I have not done before- I relaxed my body into a methodical walk- cast my eyes 2 feet ahead at the ground and focused on my breath. One foot in front of the other. I passed whirring air conditioner's,birds chirping. My hearing became completely clued in to everything around me. I felt as if in a trance. That worked, I was pleased. Back to the party -barbecue with family and fireworks with friends and family.

Day 5-

I hate to admit it, and it would be so easy to make something up as my image is being shattered, but, alas my life is as it is and not completely my own. Kids out of school,work negotiation going on ( trip to NY for a catalog shoot coming up ) and my stepdaughter is visiting from England. No meditation today. You think- 15 minutes just take it ! Why can I not make the time ?!! Frustration ensues, angry at myself and of course everyone around me who prevented me from doing this..... Is it not handy to create yet another thing I can beat myself up about... oh Ego go away !

Day 6-

Today I went for a run/walk over the Ringling Bridge and took advantage of time on my own.

I sat under a tree in front of a rustic beach below the bridge, waves lapping 5 feet away and crossed my legs, closed my eyes and breathe..... the shells began to bug me as they seem to cut through my bottom.  I made some adjustments and then I focused on my breath again. I could not stop my mind writing this very blog in my head. ( By the way ,it sounded allot better than this). I had a moment or two of what I call no mind,dropping in to peace. then I looked at my watch 15 mins went by. That felt good even satisfying.

I left my beautiful spot running home,stopping when I could not run anymore. Lunges, walk ,run, walk, feeling accomplished, thinking and planning from feelings that were positive. What would it feel like to not think about my weight? I even fantasize about what my body would feel like 20 lbs lighter.

I have made a decision to not judge my meditation- Oh but I am not there -no sirey- I judge- I judge everything--

Letting go of what this looks like is strange.

Day 7-

Today I feel restless in my skin ,it is hard to sit with these feelings and I am not sure if it is my dissatisfaction with myself . I am seeing allot of judgement of self and what I notice is that my judgement extends to everything around me, people, situations ,my life, everything ! No wonder I feel dissatisfied . If nothing is as I think it should be, no wonder I am looking for something to take these feelings away. I was feeling so purposeful and driven but the moment I do not get my list done which  these days includes - do not eat the wrong thing or miss meditation, all is not well in my world and unease ensues . Crazy how easily I allow my ego self to govern my day . 

Today I went to the gym and did a TRX class ( using your body with suspension straps) - well I barely made it through but at least I showed up  and I struggled through it.

My meditation was done on the BioMat- $15 for 30 mins. As I prepare for my photo shoot I up the anti in taking care of myself and in an effort to get rid of the deep circles under my eyes I take steps such as using the bio mat at the Gabriel Center.

Day 8- 

Yoga class-Simply Yoga- Sarasota Fl. and that is how I end this week feeding my soul. I meditated in class and truthfully the whole class is a meditation. More yoga would be good in my life but I am not putting anything else on my list right now.

My weigh in day is Wednesday and remember last week I lost 4 pounds out of the blue, as if by magic well on this Wednesday I put on one more. Still down from 188 as I am now 185, but 4th of July took it's toll.

I wish I could say this change did not send me in to a tail spin of dread and feelings of negativity, for is not my focus to be on a journey of spirit, but my ego took this wonderful opportunity to have a fiesta on said self. At least I am sitting with the feelings and when I went to Sweet Tomatoes for lunch I have 2 helpings of salad and not the pizza and pasta. It is tricky this dance of inner peace and living in the world... "Bathe Your Body In Love".

Wishing you Inner Peace.

Namaste,

Natalie