Bathe Your Body In Love....

Ooh boy, does that not sound good .. I just love saying it "Bathe Your Body In love" these are the words my yoga teacher used in class today. As Annie said the words and I brushed my fingers over my toes and up my thighs focusing on pouring love onto and into my body seeing blue light washing over and around me..."create a bubble of love" she said and for the first time this week I felt peace and love for myself.

I had been battling with my mind and my ego all week. I notice this often happens when I challenge myself or set up a task that I must follow though on . It is the very notion of "Do this or you are a Failure !!" The feeling of the parental finger point that comes from restriction, anger, superiority of self seems to direct my movement rather than seeing my challenge/intention as a gentle way to find love for myself.

Here it is in practical day to day terms-

My commitment was to meditate daily ... just 10 to 15 mins ..nothing crazy.

Here is my experience so far-

Day 1-

No meditation.

Family came in from England. I don't know... did not get to it.

Day 2-

Ten minutes cross legged on the floor beside my bed -I set the mood with some incense. Mind chatter galore but I managed to find moments of dropping in to peace with my breath.

Day 3-

I do not remember. Did I or didn't I ?

Day 4-

Walking Meditation. Bet you did not know there was such a thing well neither did I...

It is 4th of July. I took some time to myself to go for a walk/run and decided that this would also be my opportunity to meditate. So I did something I have not done before- I relaxed my body into a methodical walk- cast my eyes 2 feet ahead at the ground and focused on my breath. One foot in front of the other. I passed whirring air conditioner's,birds chirping. My hearing became completely clued in to everything around me. I felt as if in a trance. That worked, I was pleased. Back to the party -barbecue with family and fireworks with friends and family.

Day 5-

I hate to admit it, and it would be so easy to make something up as my image is being shattered, but, alas my life is as it is and not completely my own. Kids out of school,work negotiation going on ( trip to NY for a catalog shoot coming up ) and my stepdaughter is visiting from England. No meditation today. You think- 15 minutes just take it ! Why can I not make the time ?!! Frustration ensues, angry at myself and of course everyone around me who prevented me from doing this..... Is it not handy to create yet another thing I can beat myself up about... oh Ego go away !

Day 6-

Today I went for a run/walk over the Ringling Bridge and took advantage of time on my own.

I sat under a tree in front of a rustic beach below the bridge, waves lapping 5 feet away and crossed my legs, closed my eyes and breathe..... the shells began to bug me as they seem to cut through my bottom.  I made some adjustments and then I focused on my breath again. I could not stop my mind writing this very blog in my head. ( By the way ,it sounded allot better than this). I had a moment or two of what I call no mind,dropping in to peace. then I looked at my watch 15 mins went by. That felt good even satisfying.

I left my beautiful spot running home,stopping when I could not run anymore. Lunges, walk ,run, walk, feeling accomplished, thinking and planning from feelings that were positive. What would it feel like to not think about my weight? I even fantasize about what my body would feel like 20 lbs lighter.

I have made a decision to not judge my meditation- Oh but I am not there -no sirey- I judge- I judge everything--

Letting go of what this looks like is strange.

Day 7-

Today I feel restless in my skin ,it is hard to sit with these feelings and I am not sure if it is my dissatisfaction with myself . I am seeing allot of judgement of self and what I notice is that my judgement extends to everything around me, people, situations ,my life, everything ! No wonder I feel dissatisfied . If nothing is as I think it should be, no wonder I am looking for something to take these feelings away. I was feeling so purposeful and driven but the moment I do not get my list done which  these days includes - do not eat the wrong thing or miss meditation, all is not well in my world and unease ensues . Crazy how easily I allow my ego self to govern my day . 

Today I went to the gym and did a TRX class ( using your body with suspension straps) - well I barely made it through but at least I showed up  and I struggled through it.

My meditation was done on the BioMat- $15 for 30 mins. As I prepare for my photo shoot I up the anti in taking care of myself and in an effort to get rid of the deep circles under my eyes I take steps such as using the bio mat at the Gabriel Center.

Day 8- 

Yoga class-Simply Yoga- Sarasota Fl. and that is how I end this week feeding my soul. I meditated in class and truthfully the whole class is a meditation. More yoga would be good in my life but I am not putting anything else on my list right now.

My weigh in day is Wednesday and remember last week I lost 4 pounds out of the blue, as if by magic well on this Wednesday I put on one more. Still down from 188 as I am now 185, but 4th of July took it's toll.

I wish I could say this change did not send me in to a tail spin of dread and feelings of negativity, for is not my focus to be on a journey of spirit, but my ego took this wonderful opportunity to have a fiesta on said self. At least I am sitting with the feelings and when I went to Sweet Tomatoes for lunch I have 2 helpings of salad and not the pizza and pasta. It is tricky this dance of inner peace and living in the world... "Bathe Your Body In Love".

Wishing you Inner Peace.

Namaste,

Natalie 

I See The LIght ......

I am so excited ! I feel like I finally figured out how I am to do this, as always it's so very simple. All I need to do is what it says in my title "feed my soul" . By George I've got it!
I asked myself what am I resisting, what is it that I say I am doing but I do not do? What is it I am truly striving for ? The answer came as clear as day as I went to bed after watching a very silly documentary Super High Me about a comedian's spoof on the Super Size Me documentary where the comedian smokes pot for 30 days after being clean for 30 days . This is what I am going to do ( not smoke pot !) but meditate every day for 30 days.

Walking Forward......to Where....

What is The Path?

Forget focusing on the food, I am going to feed my soul. What better way to do it than by meditating . I cannot leave my kids and go to an Ashram in India ( I would like to do that; a la 'Eat Pray Love' - I adored that book ) but I am going to do it in my bedroom or wherever I find the time and place. Thirty days- here goes...... can I do it ?
Namaste,
Natalie