Getting Cocky.....Getting Off Track.....Recommitting to The Life I Want...

Getting cocky - Blog April 13 th How often will I revisit the knowing I know - as they say in OA : it works if you work it! Once again I have found my self coming back to the start. I ask my self ,"is it the getting close to a goal that relaxes oneself into casual loss of focus and commitment , or is it that I needed a break, or even further, somewhere in my mind the importance the focus on my self feels inconsequential. ." Here is the deal in a nut shell. I decided that I was going to reach a goal of 170 lbs for myself and be motivated by the attention to my spiritual self - stepping out and becoming aware of the ever present ego. I do believe that my lifelong issues with my weight and food are my path to my god self and I was going to explore that. Now of course I made choices such as eating for health and exercise as part of the endeavor to honor my being. My focus was going to be spirit first without the constant diet deprivation that has plagued most of my life . I had great success and the ease at times amazed me, but, yes but, it is a dance, as in any search for balance in life. There I was 173 lbs down from 188 and feeling like " I got this". Slowly I stopped blogging and that voice that comes in on those quiet moments to share was swiped away by feelings of" Hey I know what I am doing - one pack of Cheetos is not going to change anything". Well for one my weight crept back up to 178 , but more than that I stopped meditating and and my life began to feel like it was running away from me. The space I created for my self focus lost it' s importance or it's very place. As a mother of a 6 and 8 year old my focus is divided into so many directions and I know that only by going within can I have sanity in my life. I want my attention to meditation to be motivated through joy and yet without commitment to the doing of it I can talk myself out of sitting still with my thoughts. Be- Do- Have...... .? A friend told me the other day that even though I say I want a simple life she thinks I like the stimulation or jazzy jolt I get from constantly being on the go. She said I may want the zen inside me but really like the drama around me. I have good friends - Looking at this I see the pattern . Do I do as I say I want ? I am recommitting to myself today......again, with humor and love or should I say humility and compassion. How would my life be if I got everything I said I wanted?